The Elusive Dream of Self-Care

Hey all you mommas out there!

I remember quit vividly the struggle I dealt with when I first became a mom. Between the lack of sleep, feeling like you have no earthly idea of what you’re doing, and the soul crushing mom guilt it can be the craziest transition that a woman ever goes through. And while it was difficult the first time, I found that between myself and my husband I was able to find quiet moments along the way. We would each take time with our son, while giving the other person the time he or she needed to recharge and reflect – time that was imperative to each of our sanity.

That all changed with baby #2.

Suddenly, the little moments of self-care I’d come to cherish have become a real commodity. Instead of switching off, we now depend on a man-to-man sort of defense that requires the most from both of us. We found ourselves working with the kiddos from the time we wake until my daughter had her last bottle at 10 o’clock at night. It was a hefty schedule, and one that was unsustainable.

After the first few months, I began to look into ways I could indulge in some self-care. This is not an easy task for any new mom. I was already well acquainted with how difficult it is to take any time for myself with my son, and now taking that time means leaving my husband with not one kid, but two. And to make matters more difficult, my daughter came here and proceeded to be deeply attached to me. For the first few months of her life she wanted no part of her father. Though my husband relishes spending time with our kids, when he went to hold our daughter or to take care of her, she’d holler her frustration in a voice that would not be ignored. I say all this to explain that looking for an option to replenish myself was in one word – tough!

I started my search by making a mental list of the things I had always done to fill my spirit. For me that list includes long bubble baths with a book, some good T.V. time, alone time with my husband, and my monthly massage.

Now, even before this pandemic indulging in these was difficult. Alone time with the hubby typically meant waiting for our son to go to bed and then navigating around the sleeping infant between us. We began to relish watching some mindless T.V. while she slept on, instead of our usual date nights out. My alone T.V. time was much easier to maintain. Since our Baby Girl mostly chills happily with me when she’s not eating and sleeping, it’s easy to prop her next to me and to engage in a new show. What I found, however, was that adding back the other two loves in my life would prove to be a bit more than just difficult.

Getting a massage was always a great relief for me. It was a time when I could unwind and let someone work the tension out of my tired muscles, even if only for a little while. But I found that leaving my Baby Girl while she was so young filled me with a heavy dread that I could not carry. Then add to that the earlier mentioned mommy guilt, the difficulty of leaving my husband with two kiddos, and her desire to continue being attached to my hip...and you have a recipe for a failed attempt.

Bubble bath reading time was a little easier to manage, but still came with its difficulties. There have been more than one instance where I’ve gotten a good bath in during my daughter’s nap time with her in the portable bassinet situated next to the tub, but for the most part I find my relaxing baths quickly end up interrupted by my lovely daughter’s wails of frustration. And there’s nothing more de-stressing than listening to your infant holler while you woosah amongst the heat and fragrant calm of a bath.

When it comes down to it, my husband and I have had to be much more creative in how we work to maintain the self-care opportunities we take for ourselves. Sometimes that means me taking on both kiddos while he works in the yard. Other times it’s about him standing by with our sleeping infant after the kiddo is in bed so I can take my long bath (which has gotten bit better...she seems to be warming up to daddy day by day). But what it definitely takes is us working as a team!

How are you taking care of yourself during these difficult times?

In the next post, I’ll discuss my experiences with post-partum and how I decided to combine medication with other forms of therapy to take care of my mental health!